scream as loud as you can…February 1st, 2007 by chubbykins
scream as loud as you can
for the ears that hear you are deaf
and the only hand that reaches out to you
is the hand with a sign of rejection.
Have you ever had pain? pain particularly in your head. you get it, oh, so suddenly that you stop on whatever you’re doing just to concentrate on not concentrating on the pain?if you do, then you’ll know what I’m talking about. it’s either a migraine or your demons.
if it’s just a reluctant headache then good for you. but for those who truly been through what I’ve been through, thanks for sharing the pain. and just an advice…be careful…it could kill you.
for those WHO don’t know what I’m talking about, here’s a little insight.I used to be an ignorant teenager bent on the vanquishing liquor, Tobacco and cannabis sativa.my pains were built by my past. my anguish is my consequences for my blissful but ignorant days… my demons.
every time my eyes would hurt, I could see demons tearing each other up to pieces.yup… there’s more than just one.my demons were my personalities when I was on pot, in withdrawal syndrome and my reformed life. and they’re tearing me up to pieces.anywhere I would run to they we’re there. in church, in school even in the comforts of my girl’s embrace…I couldn’t escape.
but let me take you back before these pains. let me take you back to someone who helped me see myself and my unborn child. a lady who made me understand. made me a better man. I won’t put down her name ‘coz’ she knows who she is.
see, all my life as a member of a religious organization, I’ve been praying for a gift that would balance me and my service to my God. ‘coz back then I was serving others, but it was no more fulfilling than watching reruns on cable T.V. fore I was alone.and god sent me the answer- "my gift would be delivered by someone who is most unlikely to say yes to a relationship within the organization."and my lady was delivered.I tried talking to her to make her a close friend. I told her my past. all the misfits, potheads, drug dealers and assholes that I was friends with. I told her my story with my unborn child and death of "boner." and she gave me the sweetest reaction I have ever got from my story(how was it? life of a pothead). she said "so what?"she didn’t care what I was. and all she cared about was now.after that, I started to fall in to a whirl of confusion. I was falling in love.
now loving someone, I thought my life would be much better now. which was correct. but my demons were now more ravage. my pains were more frequent. my attacks and flashes more violent.but I’ll stand firm. I’ll be stronger now. I have something to live for now. I have a lady who promised me theta she’ll hold me down and won’t let me drift away.I won’t break. I have my "anchor."
my demons were stubborn. they wouldn’t let me go. I was like a captain of a ship on its maiden voyage, hearing the songs of the sirens calling me so I would crash into the jagged rocks.but my ship will not move. I was anchored down.
I was sure, with all my heart. I love her. but she wasn’t sure of what she was feeling. but I didn’t care. I didn’t then I don’t care now. fore there ’s nothing that can take away my love for her. not even her.
we were always together. up or down. at first I didn’t give a damn for the people that was saying we were too much of displaying affection. not until the my elders did, our elders.
I thought I found an organization that would understand me. but they didn’t. I was wrong to put too much trust in them. I gave them all of me and they just smacked me down…I was enraged.
I was holding them in contempt right when I heard this. I thought them hypocrites. in doing so O judged them… falsely for I incorporated great leaders in the word "elders."I was wrong.in my rage I held myself in contempt. I decided to give everything up. my leadership, my service, my passion and my time. but then she came nd told me not to let go, fore she was still holding me and she isn’t gonna let go.I decided to hold on to my service. then everything in the organization changed. no more hassle for me. no more iron hands and everyone I was hoping to lead started to fade away.long story short. my decision was stupid.
I needed help, so i asked my unborn child.all that "machete" told me was stand firm. I don’t get it. I’m being attacked from all sides and my foundation is crumbling. how can I stand firm?I asked "machree" and then this rare Carlos Santana song played on air.
hay now, all you sinnersput you lights on, put our lights on…‘coz’ there’s a monster living under my bedwhispering in my earand there’s an angel with her hand on my headsaying I got nothing to fearthere’s a darkness deep in my soulI still got a purpose to serve.so let your light shinedeep in to my homeGod, don’t let me lose my nerve
so I guess I should ask these same people to help me huh??how in the world could I do that?
no matter how hard I scream, their ears are deaf. even though they reach out for me, their hands are marked with rejection.
-Orville "chubby" Basas
